Father’s Day has historically been an awkward occasion for me.
My traditional Filipino upbringing dictated that men were stoic breadwinners, who showed little emotion, save disgust and/or anger (usually simultaneously). So annual attempts to honor such a figure as a son were more of a confusing exercise on how to further express respect (respect = thankfulness) to an otherwise emotionless father figure.
As I move closer towards becoming a father myself, as a Filipino, I’m tempted to follow this same tradition of cold discipline. Admittedly, this method of child rearing was psychologically damaging for me, but comparatively I didn’t turn out too messed up for the experience than my other Filipino friends. You either had what it took to survive growing up this way and would be “successful” or were considered weak-willed and a failure. Very little room for error.
By several measurements and in many circles I would be thought of as successful. And as hard as it may be to admit, I reluctantly acknowledge that my father contributed to that.
Being born and raised in the United States, as an American, my formal education taught me that there are other, perhaps less psyche-damaging ways to re-enforce positive attributes in offspring. Electric shock therapy for one (j/k). Moreover, my years working with children in an after school daycare program provided me volumes of examples of how to raise a child using positive reinforcement methods.
It seems that child rearing, like most concepts in Filipino culture, is influenced by utang na loob. Traditionally, Filipino children are indoctrinated with the understanding that everyone “owes” someone for everything.
As a Filipino child, you are taught that you owe your parents for bringing you into the world, feeding you, clothing you, sheltering you and so on and so on. Adhering to just this facet of utang na loob puts a child on a path where they will ALWAYS strive towards repaying this “favor” to their parents. And realistically, it’s a debt that can never truly be repaid.
I hope to instill in my child an appreciation for the Filipino tradition of utang na loob because it teaches respect and kindness, but I refuse to preach a blinding allegiance to the concept. Not sure how to do that yet. I guess I’ll figure out as I go along.
If there’s one thing I know about parenting, it’s that you cannot plan how to raise your child.
Eternally Lost 